A Mom on the Edge

(WARNING: BIG GIANT LOOONG ANNOYING PARAGRAPH TO FOLLOW. I know how some people hate the big giant chunks of words without proper paragraphs, but sometimes it just works, you know?)

Hi there. So we are all doing a lot better on the cold front. I went to the mall today to get a couple of pairs of jeans as my only two pairs had holes. I hate shopping for clothes. Especially when jeans cost 80 bucks each! The girls behaved fine, I was just a major crabby-crab-crab. You see, here's the thing, every once in awhile I'll see something on TV that reminds me of work, and it makes me a bit sad. Like last night, I caught the last half of "Half Mile of Hell". This is series that is produced by a colleague of mine, and it's about the chuckwagon biz. Half of the drivers and outriders are stunt guys, and I know them all like family. I love every one of them in their crazy cowboy ways. So this particular episode was about Jason Glass (the one rider that I know the best, and I consider him a dear friend.. love him!), winning the World Championship for the 2nd time in his long career! WOOT!!! Anyway, so there was a lot of him talking, and his Dad, Tommy, who I have known for as long as Jason (since 1996), and I have worked with Tom on almost every single movie I have done. Anyway, and there was Troy Dorchester, and a lot of Chad and Colt Cosgrave, who I have worked with on every single western I've done, which is a lot. Okay, anyway, blah blah blah, it just got me thinking about all of them and the people at work, and how even though work can SUCK sometimes with the sleep deprivation and the stress, it is so much FUN a lot of the time. Seriously. Sometimes I shake my head and think, "And I get paid for this!" I have the kind of job that I would do FOR FREE in a heart beat! (Just don't tell the production managers that!!!) I suppose everyone is getting me sick of whining about work, because as soon as I get a job (as my family knows) then I am harranging why did I take the stupid job!!! LOL!!!! As a Mom, at least for me anyway, and I think a lot of women out there, you tend to lose yourself. You know? It's day in and day out of the same thing. The laundry, the cleaning and taking care of kids. The phone calls, the banking, the bills, the driving, the signing of slips for school. Then your husband comes home with all of these stressful or hilarious stories of work (the same work in my case, which makes it even worse sometimes) and you just say, "Really, WOW, that was quite a day you had! Huh. My day? Oh well, let's see, I did laundry, Ayana put a roll of toilet paper in the toilet, Ellie slammed a door in my face, and after waiting all day for the fridge guy to show up he didn't bother." Sometimes I get tired of the tv commercials or the sitcoms that have stay at home moms complaining endessly about all they have to do. But sadly it IS true. Today, I feel just sorry for myself. And it will pass. After coming home from the mall and groceries we were all hungry, and I was totally becoming unglued in the worst way. Virtually all of Ayana's interactions with Ellie lately involve her screeching. It's either happy screeching or the absolute want-to-kill-her horrible screeching. Half the time I am either yelling at Ellie to not touch her sister, not look at her, torment her, help her or God forbid even breathe around her as Ayana will just screech in the most bone chilling homicidal way, or I am yelling at Ayana to stop screaming. To which she usually cries and then I feel like the worst mother ever, and then in the back seat I see Ellie trying to console her, to which Ayana then screams at her again and scratches, and I am back to yelling. This is something that never happens at work! (LOL!!!) So by the time I got home I was literally frayed to the ends of the earth. Every nerve was taught like a guitar string and I was ready to snap. I was feeding them lunch and Ayana was forever whining, she was hungry and tired, so it really wasn't her fault, I totally get that, but at the time I just was not coping well. So there was more yelling, and then after lunch I put her to bed, and Regan came in and said (now keep in mind, I had to have a talk with him on what to do when he hears me yelling a lot. At first he would tell me not to yell. OMG, that did not go over well with a raving lunatic! So, I had to explain to him that my increase in yelling meant I was stressed, over my head, and the fact that he was tinkering in the garage or in the basement or whatever was putting my stress beyond stress. So I told him to say to me, "Honey, can I help you?" And God love him that is EXACTLY what he does now EVERY single time.) So he came in and said, "Honey, are you frustrated?" And I just said very quietly, "Yes." And I left the room for a sec, and when I came back he and Ellie were doing the dishes! I told him he did not have to do that, but he said, " I know I don't HAVE to, Hon, but you are very stressed, and you need a break. Ellie and I are doing this you go an relax." DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HIM????!!! And right now he and Ellie are at Blockbuster to get Wii games and give me some time in the house to myself while Ayana is sleeping. Honestly, I could cry right now with gratitude. I used to think that I shouldn't have to spell out what I need from him, but I have learned a long time ago that that is what you have to do sometimes with men. (Sorry if that offends, but it's true! Sometimes.) And as much as he drives me berserk, he loves me and he shows me in the most awesome ways.

Holy rant, Batman. Sorry about that! Wow. I could barely type fast enough! I guess I am sharing my feelings today to reach out to other Mom's out there who used to have a life outside of thier house and family. It's tough, sometimes, eh? Occasionally I just want to be "Lisa" or "Lis" or whatever, and not "moooooommmmmyyy!!!". I need to get out more.

Cheers~!