My brain.

Okay, so I know that I have talked about missing work over the last months. And the other day I realized why. Never in my adult life have a ever gone this long without working. Especially in the last 12 + years working in film. I have not worked one single day in almost a year. Not one day. Over the years I would dabble between movies. I'd work a few days here and there. Although those got to be a pain too as soon as we got the dog, not only did I have to pack Ellie off to Grandmas, but I had to take the dog to a sitters too, and just for one day it was a lot of hassle. So I would wait until it was more like a week or two on something. Like Passchendaele. I did 2 weeks on that one. That was my last one. Sigh.

This is why I am scheming about other things. Taking courses. You know STUFF. Being a mom is great! Don't get me wrong. It is. But my life needs a bigger purpose outside of motherhood. Filmwork is my dream job. It's who I am, not what I do. I am very very grateful to have my career. I never ever take it for granted. Anyway, this is what I have been thinking about lately. I know my kids are not going to be little forever, but neither am I. By the time they do not need to be babysat anymore I will be almost 50. 50!!!! I will be the oldest living 3rd AD in the history of 3rd's, if they would hire me at all. See what I'm saying? Regan will be happy to be at home for a change. And it's a good perspective we both get when we switch roles. I remember how damn hard being on a movie is, and he remembers how damn hard being a parent/homemaker is.

I remember when Ellie was a newborn. Before I had her I was telling everyone how I was going to go back to work, and Regan and I would take turns. First of all Regan makes twice as much as me, so that's not too smart very often. Secondly, I had no idea that being away from my child (Ellie at the time) would rip my heart out the way that it did. I mean, remember, when I work I literally am up before she is, and home long after she goes to bed. Gwenith Paltrow said it right, when she is working it's the same thing. She stands in their rooms after her day of shooting staring at them sleep and wondering, "What new words did you learn today? Did you fall and hurt your knee? Did you wish I was home to kiss you goodnight?" It makes me cry to even think about it. There were millions of times when thoughts of Ellie would tear my heart out. I had to block her out of my mind half of the time. It hurt too much. I can't even think about it now, it makes me want to cry. My beautiful girl.

When I was in Edmonton shooting Jesse, Ellie was staying with my inlaws for one week, and they met me at my hotel on the Sat morning. The car pulling up to me is seared into my memory like nothing else. I looked in the back seat and Ellie, who was 5 at the time, was wearing one of her favourite little outfits and the little hat that goes with it. I opened the door just bursting with excitement and in her little hands were flowers wrapped in kleenex that she had picked for me from Oma's garden. We both cried and cried. I swept her away that afternoon and we went shopping on Whyte avenue. I didn't care about anything but her. I held her little hand and listened to her chatter away. We hugged and kissed a lot. My cell phone rang and it was my stupid boss at the time telling me she needed me to come and work for a few hours that night. I asked her to ask the other 3 boys in our team who did NOT have children visiting to help. She said no. They actually could not stand her so I'm sure she didn't even ask them. I then hung up after telling her that if she was desperate I would help. But inside I was seething. Anyway, she never did call that night, but I paid for that later. She gave me heck, and a guilt trip for not "being there" for her. What a cow. But that night was all about Ellie. We ordered room service and watched Winn Dixie on pay per view. Then the next morning we met my parents for breakfast as they were coming to take her back to Calgary. It was so hard saying goodbye to her. Okay, so now remembering all of this is making me not miss work so much. See how helpful a blog is? I'm good now! My job is a huge sacrifice to my kids. And I can fullfill myself in other ways.

Thanks for the virtual shoulder, fellow parents out there. Have a great night!