Attachment Stress

DISCLAIMER: Totally rambling post, vaguely coherent, but from the heart.

Okay, so a few posts ago ( I have since deleted the paragraph, I'm not sure why, I just did) I talked about Ayana's bizarre attachement or insecure attachment behaviour. It's just so strange. And of course as an adoptive parent you almost ALWAYS worried about attachment, and you are constantly battling in your head and going thru your mental checklist of "normal" toddler behaviour you have experienced before to see if this is abnormal behaviour. Baby scratching my face... tick, tick, tick, as I go down the mental list. It turns out it was a phase and she doesn't do it anymore. I distracted her just before I knew she was going to scratch and eventually it stopped. Okay, so that was a "normal" baby/toddler thing. Getting in trouble with mommy and then running to Ellie or Daddy. Or vise versa. Tick, tick, tick.... normal. Daddy showing up in the morning and toddler TOTALLY FREAKING OUT like he was going to murder her, and then 30 seconds later being in his arms and SCREAMING if I go anywhere near her... uh, not so "normal". Being at my parents tonight, and once again wanting to be with Grandpa to the point that she wanted no one else, ever. She had a total fit because I was the one to take her plate away, was endlessly wanting him to carry her, and finally when she was crying and begging him to pick her up and quietly took her to another room and held her on my lap while she sobbed. Okay, this is NOT "normal" behaviour. This is not a "phase", this has every single red flag/alarm bell going off in my head that is screaming INSECURELY ATTACHED or whatever the correct term is. This is not an isolated incident. Seriously. This is getting WORSE. We are seeing our adoption clinic doc on Monday THANK GOD and I am going to request we see a specialist who can observe Ayana's behaviour and give us some things to do with her to make her attachement more secure. I mean, thru out the day she actively engages with me, playing with me, initiating play with me, communicating in various ways, looking at me and smiling with the most heart stopping smile you ever did see, spontaneously hugging and kissing me etc. And same with Regan and Ellie. But with Regan for example, it seems to be when he first shows up she freaks out totally, then wants only him, and as the case this AM after I had to take her from him he went back down stairs (she did not want me) and came up dressed for work and she TOTALLY FREAKED out again like she was scared of him. This is the primitave part of her brain reacting to something, she has no control, it is the most bizarre thing and very very upsetting for a mother to watch. Regan is not around much, granted, and that must be very confusing for her. So I went to Chapters today to get some books on adoption attaching as the ones I have at home just didn't do what I needed. So I got 2, and the one seems very good. Gives little games you can play and excercises you can do to enhance attachment, or connection as they call it. I used to think adoptive parents would attribute too many things to a child's behaviour with them being adopted, but now that Ayana is home I can see that sometimes it's hard to tell what is and what isn't. She loves me, and her family, but she is still afraid I think. She was only 10 months old when we brought her home, but when you look at pictures of her it's all in her eyes. She was confused, and scared and it looked like, "I don't understand what is happening to me." And a part of her brain probably still is very very afraid. At least that is what the research is saying about adopted kids. So we are back to square one in a lot of ways. I may add a short morning nap as she seems very tired a lot of the day and evening. That may help. I don't know. I just feel like the biggest loser. And then I read about other parents who have children the same exact age from the same exact orphanage having none of these problems. It makes me think I just suck as a mother. Look at me, a pity party, and you were all unknowingly invited. The thing with attachment, most people believe, even some doctors and myself included, oh if she is wary of strangers and clings to me when we are with a strange than she is attached. Not necessarily so. She may be attached, but it may be insecurely attached. Not really safe, not feeling safe, just afraid. I remember when we were in Ethiopia and she was making strange, we were glad of it, it showed she was attached to her caregivers, usually a very good sign. But what still echos in my mind is Solomon the directors voice repeating in a worried way, "Heven is a very NORMAL child, very NORMAL." He kept saying that. At the time I thought maybe he was worried because she did not want to be with us much, but now I wonder, what did he know or suspect??? I don't know. It's been a rough last few weeks with her and other people. With just her and I, or her and I and Ellie, or on the weekend after her initial total freak out with Regan things are peachy. But anyway....... any thoughts would be very appreciated. I love her so much it almost hurts. And on top of that my inlaws are coming this weekend, which is great, they are lovely and we all love them, but again... the weirdness.

One lovely thing though, at my parents house Ayana (who normally will not go anywhere near my mother, usually freaks out and screams if she looks at her) calmy walked up to my Mom who was sitting at the table, put her arms up and sat on her lap for a good 10 minutes! It was awesome! She played with the placemats, and I got a pencil and paper and she drew little pictures with her. It was a HUGE moment for them both.

I usually try to focus on moments like that when I am feeling like we are taking huge leaps backwards. She's been home for 8 months. And I think my expectations may be a little to high for where she should be at in terms of her security. I am going to carry her even more in the sling around the house, and pick her up even more often. Maybe that will help too.

Hugs to all you Mommies out there!