I've had enough

Today I have had it. I have had it with people asking me why we adopted. I am especially sick of people asking me why I adopted WHILE I AM HOLDING MY ADOPTED CHILD. Granted she is only just shy of a year, but it does not honor her. I will no longer engage in this conversation with people I barely know. Don't ask me. You know why? It is none of your damn business, that's why. The only people that have the right to ask me this question, in my opinion and it is my opinion and my blog, are potential adoptive or other adoptive parents. That's it. And all of my family and friends have that right too. Close friends. And they also have the right to give the following answers or retorts:

Intrusive - oh sorry - Curious person: Oh, do you mind me asking why you adopted?

Me: (holding our beautiful precious baby daughter in my arms, and if the person has children) Why did you have your children? (smile)

Curious person: Why did you adopt from Ethiopia?

Me: Because our daughter was there. (Duh.)

I do NOT mind if people ask me if Ayana is adopted. I have that question asked almost daily when we are in public. I proudly tell them "Yes!" and when they ask where I also proudly say "Ethiopia!" And do not mind AT ALL questions about our adoption in general, like how long did it take, how did you like the country, etc. I don't even mind people asking me how much the adoption costs, but I will likely not answer that question in the next year and forward if Ayana is in ear shot. What I DO NOT LIKE is the question WHY. THAT is what is inappropriate in my opinion.

At first I was going to rant about a person whom shall remain nameless but went on and on about how all Ethiopians are fair skinned. Ayana is very very fair for an Ethiopian, and this person who said this today is black. After I said politely that while I was actually IN Ethiopia I noticed there was a wide range of fairness and darkness of skin color. This person then with barely a pause persists that all of the Ethiopian runners, for example, that they have seen are very fair, unlike some of the other African runners whom this person could not remember other countries who have had famous runners. I said, "Oh, Kenya?" For example. Anyway, this person I do not know well, but because they are black I was not about to get into a debate about the color of an entire countries skin. And this person also, today, within seconds of meeting Ayana insisted on holding her and when she was scared and did her what I call "complain" noise which is not really a cry but she did not like it, he said, "Oh, that isn't a real cry!" And she was reaching out for me. I finally took her back and said the fact that she wanted me was a GOOD thing because she has only been with us for a short time. Blah blah blah. Some of you know the drill. Stupid people. So he kept being pushy for her attention, almost trying to prove something, I don't know. She clearly did not like him. And fussed anytime he even looked at her. Anyway, then he has the nerve to say, "She cries a lot." I actually laughed in his face. What a moron. Okay so I WAS going to rant about that. :)

But then in this same envioronment, a friend of a friend (who was holding her son at the time and I was holding Ayana and is actually a very sweet person) says "Sooooo, do you mind me asking why..." and I thought she was going to say "adopted from Ethiopia" because in the lightening quick moment that your brain is bracing itself for the question you are actually assessing what type of question this person is going to ask... it is endless.. the questions from people. But she actually said, "you adopted?" I then blurted out my standard answer, "Oh you know, we have tried to have another baby since Ellie was born and even did fertility... blah blah blah." And as I heard myself saying this to this woman I don't even know, somewhere a part of my brain was listening and yelled THAT IS ENOUGH YOU WILL NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH STRANGERS ANYMORE. It was such a strong feeling. What I should have said in a polite and nice way, "Why did you have your kids?" Laugh laugh. Or, "That's an odd question, why do YOU think we adopted?" Why the HELL do PEOPLE THINK WE ADOPT??? Seriously! We (I cant' speak for other families) wanted MORE CHILDREN. End of story. I knew when we started this process that this would happen, and I can almost hear the "Amen"'s happening from other parents who have had this happen to them time and time again. Honestly. Would you EVER walk up to a woman with her huge pregnant belly and rudely say, "Why did you get pregnant???" Or while she is holding her baby, "Why did you give birth to that child?" THINK ABOUT IT PEOPLE!!! I was laying in bed a few minutes ago because I am dead tired and the last two nights have not slept well. I was thinking about the "guy" that I was annoyed with, and how I was not going to blog about him as really it didn't matter, it really is his opinion on Ethiopian skin color. But when I am applying for my daughter's name change at the registery, and she is SITTING ON MY LAP and the lady doing the paperwork blurts out, "Sooooo, do you mind me asking why you adopted?" YES I MIND YOU ANNOYING COMPLETE STRANGER, AND IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. This really really happens, and I am sure my comments on this post will be full of examples of it.

To my family and close friends AND anyone who is interested in adoption: you can ask me anything you want about our adoption, I am happy to share. And to anyone else that is just curious I may or may not want to share at that time. When I met that family that started this whole ball rolling (they adopted 3 kids from Haiti) although I was very curious why they adopted as they were a young couple, I never never never would have asked them. Never. I did ask the gal once I got to know her better what the children's stories were, her kids were NOT AROUND AT THE TIME. And I quickly told her that I had always wanted to do that and wanted to learn more. I also will no longer answer questions to strangers or acquaintences about Ayana's birth parents or her history before she joined our family. I know she is a baby and doesn't really understand what I am saying, but it does not honor her. It is HER story to tell when she is ready to tell it. Not MINE.

Okay, I know that was a pretty angry post, and I know for a fact that I am not alone as I have read similar posts from other families like ours. Some parents don't mind, but most do. So if you are curious, use your common sense, put yourself in that persons shoes and imagine someone asking you about the birth of your children, or your pregnancy or why you went to the fertility clinic or used donor eggs or had sex on your bathroom floor.

I'm done. I may or may not talk about this again. But I feel much better. It needed to be said.

Have a great evening, and remember... peace... love... chocolate.