A couple on our list just got home with their TWIN GIRLS!! They are SO CUTE!! And they reiterated that our children are so well cared for, and their experience in Addis was top notch. And they had some issues with one of their medicals too, and it all worked out!

But ever since reading their e-mail and seeing the pics of their precious girls, I can't stop crying. I am having a very sad day today. Everyday that goes by my heart and arms ache for our beautiful Ayana who is so very far away from me. I don't want to appear that I am fishing for sympathy, but I know that talking about these feelings on this blog are a part of the process, and that by sharing my feelings it might help someone else out someday. And I plan on keeping this blog as our adoption journal someday, and this will show Ayana how much her Mommy loves her that it makes me so sad that we can't be together yet. A lot of us adoptive Mom's who have had biological children often compare different stages of adoption with pregancy. You know, the referral is like conception, that sort of thing. But this is the one part that is unique to adoption, and unless you are going through it it is hard to imagine. All this time I have been kind of blocking Ayana out of my mind from day to day. I think about her, but I don't dwell on it too much or it just drives you crazy! But lately, I can't do anything but feel the emotions. It is an ache I cannot describe, a sadness that is so profound it is a pit in your heart. I love her so much, and with the frustration with our stupid immigration process for a modern civilized society only compounds the sadness. And usually I can think "Oh, this isn't so bad, there are so many people who are in much worse situations, who have literally watched their children grow 2 or 3 years while they wait". But today, even that isn't helping. I know that I will feel better tomorro, I am just going to feel these feelings today, and cry if I need to, and tomorro the sun will come up and I will start a new day, and feel better.

Anyway, I have decided to go to my favourite knitting store to buy some new yarn for some new projects. The only thing that is making me feel better is knitting and watching re-runs on DVD. I have not been doing much else. But I remember when our adoption fell thru last year, I spent about 2 weeks knitting all day long watching TV while Ellie was at school. It really soothes my soul in a way that nothing else can.

Tonight we are going to see the movie Enchanted. I love going to movies in the theater and Ellie is excited. Even Regan is going to come. Poor Regan, his sad wife, and there is nothing he can do. He is such a good guy... and infinitely more patient than me.