Still reeling!

It's 530 AM and I can't sleep. My head is swimming with excitement from yesterday, and my thoughts are racing with Ayana. I thought maybe if I wrote some stuff down it might help. First I want to extend my most most heartfelt prayers and thoughts to 2 families I know that may have not made the court closures. In my total joy I feel extreme sadness for them if they did not get thru. Eventhough it is only a few months added on, it feels like a lifetime. I pray that their courts went thru and they just have not been notified yet.

Yesterday when I made THE call, I really just wanted to know either way, if they knew anything at all. Even if the answer was no, at least I could move on to the next phase of waiting. So here is how it went: (I will refer to our case worker as CW as I don't want to use any names)

Me: Hey, CW, I hope you don't mind me calling, but I just can't stand it! I would just love to know if you know anything, and either way.. you know.. so we can end this terrible waiting! (laughing)

CW: Weeelllll, you guys were on my list of people to call. (long pause) That your court case was heard.

Me: WHAT??!!!

CW: (laughing) Your court case was heard.

Me: NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

CW: Yes, yes! Your court case was heard!

Me: Are you telling me that we are officially HER PARENTS???!!! ( a little bit screechie now)

CW: Yes yes!!

Me: (crying) Do a lot of people cry when you give them this news????

CW: Yes, a lot of people cry. (tenderness in her voice)

Me: I just can't believe it, I can't believe it. (Pause) You know, my entire extended family has been praying non-stop for 2 weeks.

CW: (Quietly) Wow.

Me: Our court case was heard yesterday?

CW: It was heard today, yes. (not sure if that means Tuesday or Monday.. but whatever! It's done!!!)

Me: CW! If I could KISS YOU I WOULD!!

CW: (big laughter!) I am so happy for you guys! I will e-mail you with the details of what to expect next! Now you can call everyone you know!

I hung up the phone and burst into sobbing sobbing boo hooing wailing very unlady-like type crying. Suddenly this entire last 2 years of this journey came crashing down upon me. The memories of our entire time leading up to this moment whipped past my mind in a single feeling. My head was roaring, the feelings and memories literally stacked up in front of me.... DECIDING....PAPERWORK... HAITI.... THANIA.... MISCARRIAGE....MONTANA....PAIN.... SADNESS.... GRIEF.....DESPAIR....HOPELESSNESS....DECIDING.... ETHIOPIA....HOMESTUDY....PASSPORTS....WAITING...............
AYANA. Suddenly, God took all of the events leading up to this moment and laid them before me. "See," He said, "I told you everything would be fine. I told you to believe." And I practically collasped with gratitude in my sobbing mess, and prayed like I did when I found out I was pregnant with Ellie - the only other time I have felt this way. Becoming parents has not been easy for us, to say the least. It has been a very tough road. I'll be 40 next year, and Regan 43. My eggs are old, I guess. We had our infertility investigated and they could find no reason for it. Having Ellie was a miracle.... just like getting our court date. Then I called Regan's work (he had just left to work nights) and waited and waited for him to call. I told him through tears, and he was saying, "That's awesome Hon! That is just great!!" Later he called and left a message saying how happy he was and if I could print a little picture of Ayana to take to work to show everybody. Later that night I looked beside me at a picture taken of him and I not long after we were married. It was at the wrap party for a movie we did called Mystery Alaska. We are so young there! It was in 1997! No children, our whole lives ahead of us! I looked into our faces as our cheeks are pressed tightly together looking into the camera. Who knew? I thought to myself. Who knew that you two would build your family this way? Who knew you would have a beautiful 7 year old daughter, so full of exuberant joy at life, so bursting with excitement and sassy stubburness! Who knew you would go half way around the world to Africa and God would find you your other daughter? I am so proud of us and what we have accomplished together. We've overcome a lot... and never been stronger.

ST JUDE THANK YOU FOR PRAYERS ANSWERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend in BC (you know who you are... "Those aren't pillows!!") and she said something so cute and probably true. "Oh Lisa! I imagine Heaven was so inundated with prayer on this they HAD to give in to shut us all up! Can't you just see it? A voice thundering through the pearly gates...."Oh ALL RIGHT!!!! Now leave me alone!"

There is a song by Garth Brooks called, "Unanswered Prayers" and I always remember that song at a time like this. When we look back and everything suddenly makes sense. As painful as an event is or a time in your life, when you look back... sometimes.... it just couldn't have happened any other way. If God had answered my desperate prayers a year ago, Ayana would not be our baby. If God had answered my prayers many years ago, Ellie would not be our child. Life is not easy at times. Damn hard, if you ask me. Not fair. BRUTAL. But in God's Grace all things are possible. Getting a court date and finalizing our adoption after only having accepted our referral just 3 weeks ago... and the DAY before the court closes for 2 months is God's Grace and nothing less. Thursday when our cat was missing and I was feeling like we were going to have to wait until well into the new year to pick Ayana up, I honestly felt like God was punishing me. Maybe it was good 'ol Catholic guilt creeping into my mind.. I don't know. Good thing He understands how our brains work sometimes, and I prayed even more, and then when our kitty came home everything fell into perspective and I had peace about it all and lifted my hands to the Lord and said... Take it... I have no control... it is all in your hands... I just have one thing to ask... please give me the strength to live with your decision.

Ellie's reaction totally surprized and thrilled me. I picked her up from school and I said, "I have something to teeeelll you!" And she started jumping up and down, knowing what it might be, "Tell me!!! Tell me!!! Tell me!!!" and I said, "YOU.... are now.... OFFICIALLY... A BIG SISTER!!!" Well.... she SCREAMED in joy and threw herself into my arms and said (sounding like she was almost crying) "OH MOM... OH MOM! That's.... OH MOM!! When do we get her????!!!" I explained probably October or November, right around her birthday. And we hugged and she threw her arms in the air like a football player just scoring a field goal or touch down and yelled again "Waaaaahoooo!!!" And we danced all the way home. Then we got in the house and I played the song for her that I was dancing and crying to all afternoon (This is the Day.) . Then a little bit later, she called me on one of our phones (we can take our two phones and call each other) and she said, "Mom? You know what? I am REALLY EXCITED about having a baby sister!" I told her how happy I was for her, and that she was going to be a wonderful big sister.
We then took my parents out for dinner to celebrate and she excitedly told them that "When we go camping, and I am 14 and my baby sister is going to be 7, I am going to show her where we wash our hands, and where the garbage goes!" Just figuring everything out in her little head. PRECIOUS!! She is taking Ayana's picture to school today to tell her class. I cannot express to you my relief at her joy!!! She has always been ambivilant towards babies and toddlers... not sure why, but since she was about 3 years old she has felt that way. But we have talked to her about this, not too much, but enough, and we encourage her to tell us her feelings good and bad. Anyway, I am sure it is going to be a huge and sometimes difficult adjustment for her... but together we will make it through! Anyway, now that I have blabbed and blabbed maybe I can go back to sleep!! HA!